Listen to my heart

Listen to my heart

There are truths I need to hear
And there are truths that must be spoken
Don’t let my words conceal I’m broken
Listen to my heart

Because I’m aching for answers
And I’m longing for truth
And I need to be understood

I may dance around the subject
And I might avoid the hard questions
But don’t accept my deflections
Listen to my heart

Because I’m scared to take chances
And I’m slow to have trust
And I need to be healed

So tell me I’m a mess
And bring my darkest fears to light
But let me know that you will fight
To listen to my heart

Because I’m wanting to change
And I’m waiting for hope
And I need to be loved

think 'Jeff Buckley', just way out of context...

I am very......down. God has been working in my heart recently--which is exciting and wonderful!--but I'm just kinda disgusted with myself. I wish I could take a holiday...from ME.
In other news, it's my parent's last Christmas in the States for a loooong while. That's depressing. I mean, I am so excited for them, and I know that they are following God's call for their life, so I really wouldn't have it any other way, but I am going to miss them so much. like, INCREDIBLY much. It has been an emotional week and I'm not really one for "emotional" experiences of any kind.
I guess this is the "cold and broken Hallelujah" Christmas.

in the face of the cross

I've been reading Bonhoeffer's Cost of Discipleship and it amazes me how God has used this book to gently slap me in the face with truth that i know, but am not living out in my day to day existence. There are times where i find myself almost despairing with the enormity of my incompetence, but then, that is probably good for me. Good for me to realize that I am utterly wretched without God's grace, and good for me to remember God's promise to continue His work in me to completion. He is faithful-- praise be to God!

these are some quotes that have really stuck out to me in my readings:

ON REVENGE:
To leave everything behind at the call of Christ is to be content with him alone, and to follow only him. By his willingly renouncing self-defence, the Christian affirms his absolute adherence to Jesus, and his freedom from the tyranny of his own ego. The exclusiveness of adherence is the only power which can overcome evil.

And the cross is the only justification for the precept of non-violence, for it alone can kindle a faith in the victory over evil which will enable men to obey that precept.

ON LOVING ENEMIES:
enemies are those who harbour hostility against us, not those against whom we cherish hostility, for Jesus refuses to reckon with such a possibility.

His (the Christian’s) behavior must be determined not by the way others treat him, but by the treatment he himself receives from Jesus; it has only one source, and that is the will of Jesus.

Love asks nothing in return, but seeks those who need it. And who needs our love more than those who are consumed with hatred and are utterly devoid of love? Who in other words deserves our love more than our enemy? Where is love more glorified than where she dwells in the midst of her enemies?

In the face of the cross the disciples realized that they too were his enemies, and that he had overcome them by his love. It is this that opens the disciple’s eyes, and enables him to see his enemy as a brother.

“It will be the prayer of earnest love for these very sons of perdition who stand around and gaze at us with eyes aflame with hatred, and who have perhaps already raised their hands to kill us. It will be a prayer for the peace of these erring, devastated and bewildered souls, a prayer for the same love and peace which we ourselves enjoy, a prayer which will penetrate to the depths of their souls and rend their hearts more grievously than anything they can do to us.” -A.F.C. Vilmar, 1880.

work in progress

pierce this pharisee heart in my chest
and put my self-righteousness to rest
instill in me humility’s vision
Lord, let me be genuine

Show me why for this world you would bleed
Give me a heart for my brother in need
fill me with a consuming passion
Lord, let me be genuine

hedge up my way from the things I pursue
keep me from lovers other than You
fix my eyes on the things of heaven
Lord, let me be genuine

"The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart"

This whole week has been so exciting with all of the GO events and speakers. And then last night with the Ethiopian missionary who came and spoke...just really powerful stuff. I got a copy of his (the Ethiopian missionary’s) book called Slowly by Slowly and I started reading it this morning and I never want to put it down. I am not really sure what all of this means except that I believe that God has given me a heart for missions...and recently I have been thinking about becoming an overseas missionary. I mean, it’s still just an idea. Maybe I’ll end up doing mission work here in the states, I just don’t know.

Anyway, last night, Patrick (that’s the Ethiopian missionary’s name) and his friend Negash talked about their work over in Ethiopia. Patrick started a program where churches in the states sponsor missionaries in Ethiopia for 50 dollars a month. They started out sponsoring five missionaries, but then two of the missionaries felt that 50 dollars was too much money and so split their “salary” so that two more missionaries could be sponsored. and then the missionaries set aside money from their salary every month and pool it together for when someone graduates or gets married. Their love and generosity really hit me. I want to be like that. To live life constantly giving, trusting God to sustain me and provide.

Several times last night Patrick quoted “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?” All my life I have tithed and volunteered at church ministries and given special offerings during holidays and such, but recently I have felt this restlessness in my heart. Like, it’s not enough. (I’m not saying that I feel like God is displeased or requiring more than giving offering and volunteering...more like, I feel that I have so much; I am not content with just giving money, I want to give myself --my time, my energy, my life--to share the gospel and really affect people’s lives whether that takes me to homeless shelters in the city or to villages in the heart of Africa.) I do not want to see my brother in need and be satisfied by just putting a few bucks in the offering plate every sunday.

Sometimes I look around at America and am filled with disgust. A nation that once proclaimed itself a “Christian” nation but now flaunts its reprobate culture. Part of me wants to just “dust off my sandals” and go overseas to share the gospel with people who have never heard the good news. And yet I can’t be sure if that is the right response. Who am I to condemn this nation? Nothing is impossible with God, and even the hardest of hearts can be broken by the love of Christ. People need the gospel here as well as over there, and I have always wanted to travel, which makes me wary. Do I want to go overseas to do mission work because I feel like God is leading me there? Or because I want to see the world? Or has God given me this love for travel because He wants me to go overseas to do mission work? too many questions. I am riddled with self-doubt and it frustrates me. Yet I know that God is faithful to reveal His will in His timing. Until I know God is calling me overseas, I will remain where He has me now and pray for opportunities to minister to the community here. Waiting on the Lord does not involve mastering the art of thumb twiddling.

teach me tonight

My tongue is a fire
fueled by my foolishness
propelling me into a mire
of disgust
Like a moth to the flame,
I am drawn to destruction
left with a tongue I can’t tame
or instruct

You can see though I’ve tried
to converse, I’m left only
wishing for this tongue to be tied
and it all has gone south
with my foot placed so firmly
inside of this inundant mouth

I’m blessing the Father
and with the same breath
turn to curse at my brother
in my pain
I’m biting back bile
and retching the bitterness
while trying to maintain this smile
that I feign

If I could take it all back, I would
and start speaking life giving words
like I know that I should
but I can’t seem to bridle
this tongue in my head
and I cannot escape
all these things that I’ve said
so I’m asking for You
to give me instead
the skill of remaining silent

rich in mercy

Many times in the Old Testament, when Israel sins, God has someone (a judge, Moses, a prophet, etc.) intercede for the people, pleading on their behalf for God to have mercy. And God uses that intercession as a means to lead the people with a firm, yet loving hand. Here in Ezra, however, the Israelites receive mercy without an intermediary. Ezra hears about the peoples’ transgressions, and marvels at the way God has kept His people despite their disobedience. “...seeing that You, our God, have punished us less than our iniquities deserved and have given us such a remnant as this...”(Ezra 9:13). Ezra discovers, after the fact, that God is acting in mercy towards the Israelites. I think this is really important, because it’s so easy to see the righteously wrathful, powerful, sovereign side of God in the old testament (that is NOT to say that God’s sovereignty and power changes between the Old and New Testaments, nor that God’s love suddenly becomes tangible and active later in the Bible.), but in Ezra we see the “cords of kindness” and “bonds of love” (Hosea 11:4) that God uses to lead His people.

“For we are slaves. Yet our God has not forsaken us in our slavery, but has extended to us his steadfast love before the kings of Persia, to grant us some reviving to set up the house of our God, to repair its ruins, and to give up protection in Judea and Jerusalem.” (Ezra 9:9)

It becomes so easy to limit our gaze on our present circumstance, to get bogged down in the reality of disappointment, but Ezra expands his perspective, realizing that God has blessed Israel. In Ephesians, it says that our God is “rich in mercy” (2:4) and indeed, He is so. Even when things seem pretty awful for the Israelites, Ezra still praises God for His grace and blessings.

I also really love how the people respond. in chapter ten of Ezra, it reads, “While Ezra prayed and made confession, weeping and casting himself down before the house of God, a very great assembly of men, women, and children, gathered to him out of Israel, for the people wept bitterly.” They are grieved, but the people don’t let their discouragement or guilt keep them from action. They approach Ezra and, acknowledging their sin, offer to restore their broken commitment to the Lord by making a new covenant to put away their unlawful families. The people see the situation, evaluate what needs to be done and then work to accept responsibility and restore their relationship with God. The men who go to Ezra say, “Arise, for it is your task [to make a covenant with God], and we are with you; be strong and do it.” and they get the job done in only a few months. That is dedication. That is determination. That is God, working in the lives of His children to draw them closer to Himself.